“I can smile right now, I feel better…”

I wanted to give an update (and also start doing these wider updates here versus in email) on life, what I got going on now and what I plan to accomplish or make happen in the future.

For the first time in years, I find myself not dancing, at least professionally. I’m not currently teaching dance – that makes me sad on a few levels and I miss it so. I also want to do it in a way that feels equitable and accessible for people to be a part of.

I’m still wrapping my mind around how and where I will dance - with the finesse and confidence that I’d like to have when I do it.

But I still find my space to dance anyway- cause I’m a creator. I’m a lot of things. If anything, the last 15 months of my life has been re-negotiating all the ways I interact with the world, the things I love, and the many relationships I have. This includes the community I kept in the past, those who I am lucky and privileged enough to call friends, and my former long-time partner. Re-negotiating isn’t bad, it can be scary, and in many of these relationships and how they shifted, I was kicking and scratching for them to stay/return to how I saw them, how I wanted them to stay. That, I’m happy to say, has subsided and I can look at all these connections with love, knowing that they exist now in healthier versions of these bonds. But not just love for those I relate to, love for myself and for what I deserve and want out of my life and my relationships in the future.

Professionally, I’m entering month eight as a social worker, which has had its own set of growing pains, both internally, tweaking my knobs and empathy levels to a very different place than it was in my previous role while maintaining the level of care I’ve always sought out to provide, and externally – it’s been a long time since I had a job that I get to “turn off” when I clock out. It’s kind of nice, but also I’ve come to realize I haven’t had to really curate my social life much in the last ten years because of how dynamically it was connected to my last position as I am not required to network anymore for my organization. It’s a bit bittersweet, as I find myself struggling with what to do with myself, and with where I feel the most welcome.

Digital spaces have been a band-aid sanctuary for me. I crave in-person connection, but the community I’m building online over Twitch/Discord has been really good for my mental health. I just recently hit 200 followers and have been making ad revenue for the first few months ever. I do have aspirations to make Twitch partner (currently I am an affiliate, partners get better revenue splits) and really make streaming a secondary income, but it’s going to take a lot of work and alot of building outside of my personal network - would love more gamer friends in New Orleans and surrounding areas to collaborate with in the future.

Artistically, I feel a bit stuck. I’m not sure what direction to go in as far as producing this “work” that I originally set out to do a year ago, nor do i feel as driven to produce or share it. It feels extremely important to me. But the more I talk about it, the more I realize that people don’t have alot to say about what men need and how we should evolve to rise to the occasions of the current day that is inclusive in a way I’m excited by. On top of that, I feel very alone in being curious about where it could go. Not sure what that means. But i am craving more thought partners around this.

I absolutely miss the stage though. I miss performing and I want more opportunities to do so. With new people and energies, I deserve a reprieve from sussing out how interactions will go with people from my past - we all deserve a break. I give them that by keeping my distance, but I need to also do that work for me as well, AND first.

All in all, I write this to say one thing. I am so good right now. Even if I’m not where I want to be, with who I want to be, and how I want to be. Cause I deserve those things, but I’m also willing to work and be patient for those things. That feels new. That feels worth celebrating.

P.S. Stop calling me Randall, I want to be called by my middle name. It’s MacKenzie.