An Admission and a promise.

Hey endless internet void, I have an admission to make today. This was supposed to be a post about how life-changing my last trip to California was for me but instead, I need to get this off my chest.

I pay way more attention to detail than I lead on. I have since I was younger. The thing is, at an early age I was made to believe this was a bad thing. That being observant and/or intuitive, and responding to those observations, was a bad thing. That was manipulation.

I’ve been manipulated alot, and I let myself be manipulated a fair amount of those times. If I ask myself why, and I look back at specific instances, it’s because I thought I needed or wanted the person it was coming from to continue to be a part of my life, and if I called them out on it, they would leave and I would be alone.

Frankly, it’s probably residual abandonment issues from good ol’ Renee. Alas, I think I’ve grown beyond being angry at her, she was human. As am I, as we all are.

I’m drifting, I know when people lie to me. I’ve had people talk down on me, and then dare me to say they don’t support or love me. I’ve had people I support and love do this, and honestly… I’m exhausted. Nor do I have any energy to put towards correcting anyone’s actions towards me, not anymore. I just stop sharing. I stop feeling. and I let you be. and I let me work through it till whatever I’m feeling about it has been dispersed (in the most healthy ways I can of course, shout out to my amazing therapist, and a now very small cadre of confidants who I cherish).

No one asks, and I don’t even want them to — not anymore. Cause there is anger there, and there is sadness, and distrust, and at it’s ugliest just plain disgust. and I’m not sitting in it anymore nor am I waiting or expecting change.

What I’m going to do… is I’m going to make something. And I’m very excited to share it with you all, when it’s time. In that, I promise I will find my way to be honest with everyone.

I also think today is a great day to launch… fuck it let’s go.

Oh yeah, in this space going forward, you can just call me…

-Raoh <3