I’m Trying

Ya’ll. These waves.

I swear I’m trying to evolve. It’s so hard on my own. I’m not ALONE. But, I have few enough outlets that I am an constantly in danger of relying on them too much. I know that from experience. I know that from intuition. and I feel like I have to hold on to what I have so much.

It’s like I’m a living second thought - maybe not. I just feel like it’s been so long since I’ve felt celebrated on my own merit. And anytime I ask for it - I just don’t.

Imposter syndrome is scary - and it’s infuriating that it affects me at the rate that it does.

I don’t know where I stand - I know the facts though. I can keep repeating that “I can do this” but at what point is it insanity? At what point do you just give up? Maybe you can’t.

I don’t know - I’m really sad. I’m thinking about cancelling this trip west, things are not working as smoothly as I hoped and I have funding - just not enough for the trip I wanted to take. I also don’t feel MacKenzie-confident. I feel like Randall, insecurities, self-doubt and all.

I’m trying. Today isn’t the day.